Change Your Mind...

Pacing the floor back and forth, while holding the phone in your hand. Taking the deepest yet slowest breath you've taken all day. You check the time. Only three minutes have passed, but to you it seems like an hour. You've talked yourself into it and then out of it at least six times within the last thirty minutes. All you have to do is call. What's the worse that can happen? You won't get an answer. The person's feelings aren't mutual. In your head you see how things could work between the two of you, but.. you just call anyway...

"Change Your Mind" - Claire Bowen
Verse 1:
When you wake wanting me 
And you can't go back to sleep
Change your mind
When you're weak and all alone
And you're reaching for the phone
Change your mind
Keep on going til you're gone
Even when you when you think it's wrong
When you look back in regret
The moment that you left

Change your mind
Baby don't come back this time
Don't wanna have to say goodbye
All over again
So if you think there's still a chance to make it right
And I'm the only one you want tonight
Change your mind
Change your mind

I loved the song when I first heard it. The lyrics are truthful, but in other ways pretty harsh.When we reject someone, how mindful are we of how we're turning them down? Well today, I was confronted with doing it not only once but twice. While at work, I heard my phone ring. Usually, I don't get reception, but I guess today was my lucky day. The number didn't present itself with a name which meant that the number was not saved in my phone. Curiously, I answered. As soon as I heard the voice speak his first words, I knew exactly who it was. We hadn't exchanged words in months. Why was he calling? Was it that season again? We didn't have a good past and I told myself over a year ago that he wouldn't be apart of my future. Oddly, he kept trying to make his way back in. It wasn't working and it would never work. Rarely do I use the word "never" but in this case, it's the correct term. 

This time nausea didn't find it's sensation rising into my throat when I heard his voice. My hands didn't start to shake. I said to myself "This is just a test." At times the enemy throws your past back at you to see if you'll fall back into the same routine as before. No, not this time. In a professional tone, I told him that I was at work and could not talk. If he ever thinks of calling me again or thinks to wave in attempt to knowledge my existence, I can only hope he'll change his mind. 

Hours later I crossed paths with a guy that had expressed his interest a number of times in various ways. I've received emails, handwritten letters, a confession from his mouth, and the list goes on. The truth is, he doesn't really know me. He has simply observed me. He thinks of how things could be great if given a chance. And let's be honest, we've all been there. I've been there more times than I'd like to admit. There's nothing wrong with him. He's just not for me. There's nothing he could do right or wrong. He's a nice guy, but the wrong one for me. He decided to persist telling someone that I was standing next to of how I never gave or give him a chance. Instead of responding with words, I gave him an apologetic smile to confirm that I hadn't changed my mind nor would I. I can only hope that he'd change his mind...