Stranger

While locked away in a room with a complete stranger, she began to pour out her troubles and anxieties over the past 30 years to me. It wasn't something I had expected. As I had already known, people carry their concerns and struggles everyday yet put concealer over their problems to mask blemishes on the flawed areas. For over an hour, she poured out everything that was bothering her. I began to question, if given the chance to pour out everything we're going through to a complete stranger that you'll never see again, would you do it?

Having someone to listen is underrated. A good listener that is trustworthy is hard to find. At times you wonder should you have said anything in fear it'll be told to someone else as soon as they depart from you. Trusting very few since a young age, I began to write in a notebook. I'd write about my feelings, tear it out of the book and then burn or cause water damage to it. I didn't want the world to know my inner thoughts. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable.

It may sound weird, but these days, I pour my heart out in the shower when I'm praying. Though no one can see or hear my tears, I feel that it's my place of vulnerability as I pray. I'm sure I could stay there for hours. The beaming water drowns out the tears. When finished I'm left with the residue of puffy eyes, yet my problems have washed down the drain.

One of the places that people tend to share their life stories is the airport.  Shortly after the seat belt light goes off, people begin to engage in conversation. Often, I've heard people brag about their children's careers, family history, and begin to name every place they've been on vacation. I'm not sure if they are talkative or if they rarely have someone at home to listen to them. I will not lie, it irritates me after 30mins when they begin to talk loudly nonstop. I've learned to avoid eye contact in efforts for others not to speak to me. Yet, it never really works. That's my cue to pretend going to sleep.

Again, the question remains, would you tell a complete stranger you'd probably never see again your fears and dreams? For me, this is the closest it gets.

No Woman Was Good Enough For Him

There was something different about him. I thought that God was finally answering my prayers of finding a sufficient mate. We met in one the best places that I felt that two could meet.  Maybe,  just maybe it was my turn to fall in love for the first time.

Unlike others times, the getting to know someone stage wasn't as bad. He was forth telling of information.  But there was something that was still mysterious behind his eyes. Everyone saw him as the model citizen. I saw him as a impostor trying too hard to be perfect.  No one was perfect but he tried too hard to achieve that in the eyes of others. 

Still,  I was intrigued.  I wanted to figure out the mystery behind his crooked grin. His eyes were empty. Many times he was sure not to keep eye contact too long in efforts to conceal his secrets in case someone was able to see past the surface. 

His friends never thought that I was good enough for him. It was nothing that I did in particular,  however I was not approved to dwell within their inner circle.  As a result, he began to exclude me.I won't lie. It hurt. Here I was again hoping that my prayers for a mate were answered after years of praying,  to only be rejected by the friends he considered family.  Constantly,  one of his associates was forced upon me. They'd do anything to keep the two of us apart. Out of my frustration of waiting for him, it worked.

Weeks later I saw him plastered with pictures of a new woman.  A woman that his friends handpicked and approved of. I felt rejected.  The woman had been head over heels for him for years.  She'd finally received her chance.  A chance that was short lived.  Before they could become a couple they disbanded.

It took months to get over him, but I did. Yet, the curiosity remained as to why I wasn't good enough for him. My curiosity got the best of me. I went searching for answers.  And the answers I did find. I would have never been good enough for him and for the matter...no woman at all. While I laughed an uncontrollable laugh, it was clear as to why things never worked. 

I'm glad for revelation.  The door can be forever shut with vault locks never to reopen again.  I could only believe he lived a lie to those that weren't in his inner circle. He did not want to generalized or his popular status compromised. But at the expense and feelings of others? I can only hope that one day he'll be honest with himself and not drag another woman along the same deceitful trail. Who knew that being a woman could be too much.

Eve's Fairy Tale - A Time Or Two

Once upon a time I could have fallen in love a time or two. Everything was working out in my favor. It always began the right way. I was alone, locked away in an attic. I watched from the window as those that knew me began to partake in what I wanted a piece of. Yet, it wasn't my time. Through situations and obstacles in life, I found an upside. The little things were enjoyable. Fresh rain quenched my thirst on warm summer days. Grass with lilies were my mattress as I laid and listened to the lullabies sang to me from the birds. The stars were my night light that watched over me. I tried to count to each one but somehow managed to fall asleep before counting at least 82.

I'd Do It All Again

While on the phone, a friend of mine asked me a question that for once didn’t involve intense thinking. We were roommates in college. Her question to me was, “If you could go back and do college all over again, would you go back and do things differently?” Without hesitation, I responded, “No, I had fun in college. I did everything that I wanted to do and graduated on time. I have no regrets about college.” Admittedly, she stated that she would have gone out more and enjoyed her college experience.

I believe that it’s important for us to live it up while we have the chance to do so. One of the things I don’t ever want to do is look back on my life and regret the opportunities that I didn’t take. Now, I’m not saying I agree with being crazy and performing criminal acts or doing something that would compromise your spirituality. What I’m saying is, stop operating in fear. It’s okay to do something for yourself. It’s okay to call off work and enjoy the comfort of your own home. Mental health days can constitute as sick days. Just maybe it’s time to book that trip and set sail. What’s holding you back from taking that job opportunity in another state?

Often times we worry how things will look to other people. We don’t want to disappoint our family and loved ones. Our goals and dreams may be different from those in our closest circle. Our dreams at times may seem far-fetched. Not everyone will understand your longing to do something different. No, you’re not having a quarter life or midlife crisis. You just desire more and there is nothing wrong with that.

When I was younger, I always wanted to go to New York. I repeatedly asked my mother if we could take a trip there. She’s always say, “When we save enough money, we could go.” I knew that was a nice way of her saying, “No.” She didn’t have a desire to there. And I couldn’t force it upon her either. After years of hearing we’d go once we saved enough, I decided that I was going to go whether it was with someone or alone. The summer I received my first fulltime job, I booked a flight to New York and told my mother, “I’m going to New York in August! I booked my flight and hotel!” Nonetheless, she was shocked. She knew that I always wanted to go, it was the fact that I did it without making an excuse as to why I couldn’t. The reason I mention NYC often because it was the first time in my life I made a decision to do something I wanted on my own no matter what others thought about it.It was a turning point for me. 

I once sought out to write a book. I’d attempted to write one ever since I was in high school but never managed to get past chapter 2. As I got older, I realized it wasn’t just a phase, it was something that I wanted to pursue. Writing wasn’t a job, nor just a hobby. Writing is what made me feel alive. I told people that I was going to write a book and they gave me the, “Oh that’s great to hear!” phrase. I’m sure they’d heard people say it numerous times, but I knew that this time I would complete it. I’d already prayed about it. After three long years, I added the last word to the book and watched the pages print from my office desk printer at home. People were shocked that I’d actually finished. In some ways, so was I, but I’d committed to so many things and people and never committed to anything that was for 100% myself.

Now, I don’t have those regrets lingering over me. I don’t have to wonder “what if”. This time I know “what is”. It’s scary stepping out of the norm. Not everyone will agree with it nor will it benefit them. But how long are you willing to shell what may be a path to your God given purpose? Be honest with yourself. Are you living the life you want to live or are you living the life that is acceptable by the standards of those around you? You deserve to live without regrets. 

Summertime Bliss

It’s becoming harder to find something to write about these days. My mind draws a complete blank. I’ve shared everything that I’ve felt and have been feeling for the past couple of months. I’ve let you in on bits and pieces of my past, present, and I guess, I’ll share with you my hopes for the near future.

Most times, I don’t like to talk about my expectations for the future. Quite frankly, it rarely ever happens and I end up disappointed. I learned this at a fairly young age. The less expectations, fewer the disappointments. Confession, it’s the reason why I’ve steered clear of a couple of relationships in my past. I rather not have something than to risk losing it or knowing that I will lose it soon. It’s my “glass half empty” philosophy.

My Hopes for the Future
Eventually, I want to move out of my small town and into another area that is better and has more opportunity for me to grow career wise. I want to be able to realize what my God given purpose is and pursue it. I’d like to get married in a small courthouse ceremony in late spring. I thought I’d be married by the age of 27. Well we all know how that played out. I’ve definitely missed that mark and I’m still single. I’d like to be financially stable with quite a bit of cushion (a healthy savings account). A townhouse or three bedroom condo would be nice. I’m not a big fan of huge houses especially since I don’t want to fill it up. Though I am a woman, I do not have the desire to have children. It’s not uncommon. And no it’s not something that I’ll “probably change my mind about later.” A lot of people say that as though my desire to not have children is unethical or taboo. No it’s not selfish either. I rarely hear people say the reverse when a woman says she wants children. You rarely hear, “you’ll probably change your mind later.” I’m making a responsible choice. I tip my hat to those that are and want to be mothers. It’s a lifetime commitment and job. Kudos! I want excellent health and to be able to write a series of New York Times Bestsellers. I want to feel true joy and true bliss. Personally, I feel that at times we don’t know that we’re experiencing it. We realize we have experienced it well after the moment is over. While those are just some of my long term hopes, I’ll share with you some of my short term hopes for summer of 2014.

My hopes for Summer 2014
Outside of the obvious of good well-being for myself and my family/friends, I’d like to go on a vacation. A vacation that last for at least two days and is outside of a 60 mile radius from where I currently live. I want to let my toes meet the sand of the beach as well. In addition, I want to lose at least 10lbs by the end of the summer. If I could lose more, that would be great. I want to have a day where I do absolutely nothing but lay in bed all day (not because I’m sick) and catch up on every tv sitcom that I would find remotely interesting. I want to buy a potted orchid and watch it grow and develop. When the sun is going down on a perfect summer day, I want to turn on my iPod and dance blissfully in the grass barefoot as I watch the sunset. If it’s God’s will, I want to go to New York City again with expectations from God and not man. This summer I would love to drive into the city and walk the streets with no time limits, but enjoy every minute of it. And while I’m one that doesn’t like to be surprised, I want God to surprise me with something bigger than I could have ever imagined for myself this summer that will make me happier than any day I have yet to experience thus far.

Does it sound like a lot? I’m sure a few things could be accomplished while other things are out of my control. I’ve had quite a few rough seasons. I’m ready for the season of total joy. I’m ready to have a smile on my face not because I’m thinking and keeping positive of what is yet to come, but I’m smiling because there is no more waiting and I’m living in some of the moments that I prayed for most. This summer I want to experience several moments of complete bliss and while I'm in the moment, I'll know I'm experiencing just that. 

~Eve 

Modest??

As usual, I stopped by the nail shop yesterday to get a pedicure. It does seem as though I spend a lot of time there. Hey, the weather is warm and no one wants to see my missing and chipping toe polish, not even me. While waiting for my toes to dry at the drying station, a woman sitting towards me said, "You're the first woman I've seen that pins her low dipped shirts. Most women let it hang all out. You know, I really respect you for doing that." Instantly, her friend that sat beside her looked at my non-visible cleavage and nodded her head. I smiled and said thank you. It led me to wonder if dressing modest is foreign?

Admittedly, I've been told more than a few times that I dress fairly conservative for my age. I'm still not sure exactly what that means. My Spring/Summer wardrobe consist of: blouses, tank tops, long maxi dresses, knitted sweaters, skinny jeans, etc. Sound typical? I thought so too. Ever heard the phrase, "If you got it, flaunt it"? Yeah, that's not me. I do prefer being fully clothed.



No my jeans do not appear to be painted on, I do like the luxury of being able to breathe when I sit down. My dresses reach the calves of my legs because that extra cellulite on my thighs dare me to wear a dress or skirt above the knee. My tanks and shirts get pinned if I think they are too long for my own comfort, for that reason alone, MY OWN COMFORT.

I'm going to be completely uncensored right now. I ask myself what kind of woman would I be to wear something with the intent to make a man stumble with lust intentionally. Not on my watch! Do I want to look nice? Most days when I'm not at work. Do I want to be considered attractive or be desirable? Of course, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't.  But the question is, "At what expense?" I don't judge anyone and the way in which they choose to dress themselves. Some like to "let it all hang out" and I rather cover it all up.

Over the years I've been asked by both men and women, why I dress the way I do. Because it is comfortable. I'm confident when I walk out the house to engage in the journey set before me. I don't get dressed for anyone but myself. When rummaging through my closet for the outfit of the day, I do not think, "I wonder if this will attract a man and make him look." However, I do think, "How can I layer this just in case I get cold or hot?"

I am careful with the message that I send. I am not a small woman. I am a curvy woman. A woman that is a size 4 and myself a size 10 can wear the same exact thing and it will look great on her, but when I wear it, it'll look provocative. Prime example, pencil skirts! All of my weight is in the lower half of my body. I'm built of nothing but hips and thighs. Thank you to all of my aunts from both sides of the family (insert an eye roll). It's hard for me to wear a pencil  skirt. It'll look provocative from the front and if I turn to the side...yup. So I'm conscious of what I wear. There's no shame in that.

You can look cute, well dressed, and be fully covered. Yes, it can all coexist. Label it all you like. Me? I'm not changing my "modest" apparel. It's just an extension of me.

~Eve

Wasn't So Boring After All

"And I realized....it wasn't so boring after all." - Me

I have no problem admitting that it took some readjusting for me to be used to not having a date on the weekends. Last year this time, I knew that my weekend would involve a date, church, another date, and recovering for my dates to do it all over again the upcoming week. Last year I went out with two men AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Hey, that's a record for me. As you may recall I was on a bit of a hiatus for dating for 3 years. And no it was not really something I tried to do, it just happened.

The last date that I went on was in October of 2013. Okay, maybe you have been on a date recently, or maybe you're stuck in the same dry season of dates that I was in just 3 years ago. Around March it started getting to me. I missed dinner dates. No longer was I taking small dates to the local department store. Yes, I like to take dates in unconventional places. You learn a lot about a person based on their style and the items that they buy.

Now my night consisted of a Redbox movies, church, and occasionally treating myself to a no chip manicure when pay week permitted. It became boring. I won't act as though the first half of my dating season last year didn't come with a lot of unnecessary drama. If you only knew the story about the first guy I dated, you'd wondered why I continued dating at all during the rest of the year. The second guy caught me by surprise (Be sure to read previous post for deets).

Back to the point, I became bored. Everything went right back to being predictable, but I have to be honest, I needed this time to learn who the new me was. Might I add, I really like her. She's pleasant. A lot more patient. She's motivated. She's ready to go to the next level in her life.

Before I couldn't see why I was removed again from everything and everyone. I needed this time. As you may recall from two post below, I received a random call. It reminded me that I didn't miss my past. I was free and I love every single minute of being free.

Okay, okay. Yes, at times I do wish I had a date, but I don't want to entertain a random man for the sake of receiving a free meal. I can't be bought. I have to be earned. "Earn me!" (In my Olivia Pope voice) That's one of my favorite lines from the sitcom Scandal.

I recently spoke with a friend about this quiet season in my life that I once labeled boring. Yesterday, I told her this season wasn't all that boring, this season "Wasn't so boring after all."

~Eve