Thank You

Exhaling a deep breath, I type this last post. Thank you for supporting this blog and taking this journey along with me. Hopefully you were able to smile and remember things of your past. Hopefully you were able to find some encouragement to inspire you to take a leap of faith.

I wanted to show women that there is someone they can relate to in the world. The battles in your mind, others share those with you. You aren't in this thing by yourself. No one is perfect and you still are worthy of a chance. And sometimes you have to take a chance on yourself. You are beautiful. You are amazing. And you won't get everything right and neither will I, but it's okay because we are human. Remember no matter what, God still loves you. If a man's eyes scrolled across these confessions, I hope this gives him a fraction of understanding of what some women think. We are complex creatures. We don't have all the answers and we're not always right. However if you're smart, you'll pick your battles with us wisely (wink). 

I now challenge you to go out and be courageous and pursue the thing that fear has kept you from. You're not too young and you're not too old. You still have purpose if your heart is beating in your chest. Remember that finishing  is just as important as starting something. Be committed. Stay faithful. Don't get discouraged. 

Spoiler Alert: In the book written about your life, you win at the end. 

~Eve 

Vision...

Yesterday I attended a vision board workshop. It took me three attempts to complete this workshop and finally on the fourth try, I was able to complete it. And I must say, it was worth it. Yes, I've heard of people making vision boards and posting them, however, until I finally sat  down and began to flip through magazines, pictures spoke to me. It wasn't just the material things. At times, the words popped off of the page as though they were printed specifically for me.

I'd encourage everyone to create their own vision board. There's one thing to have the thoughts and ideas in your head and there's another to have it vividly in front of you. When I awoke this morning, I smiled as I looked at my vision board. The future for me looks bright. It's not always about how you're going to achieve it, it's about first being comfortable and courageous placing the idea out for all to see.

Today a co-worker of mine couldn't stop smiling or talking about the experience of creating a vision board. What is your vision for yourself? Where do you envision yourself? Dream beyond what society says is "normal" and "attainable".

Sacred

The most cherished objects to me is a heart shaped ring with black stones in the middle that I purchased from my favorite jewelry store nearly two years ago. If forgotten at home, my finger feels bare. I wear it on my ring finger on my right hand. Many disagree with me wearing it there as it may send the wrong message to the "right" man. However, I don't think that it is so. We're all entitled to our own opinion.


I'm not one to be attached to things or people for that matter. I've always been reminded that everything is temporary and will one day fade. However, that doesn't mean that I don't cherish a few earthly things. I love my family and friends and because I'm instructed to, I love my neighbors that test my patience and constantly remind me of why grace was ever created. The one thing that I wear daily is my ring. It's symbolic to my commitment to Christ.

A while ago I was looking for a person to share my heart with. It was placed in my thin fingers outstretched to anyone that was willing to even hold it. Cupped in my hands, I held the fragile piece of myself that no one seemed to want. Disappointed, my arms clasped back towards my chest with the my heart still in my hands. I wanted someone to willingly love me. The love from friends and close family were great, I didn't take it for granted, but I did want someone that was willing to treat my heart delicately and was choosing to make a lifetime commitment to me.

Many times I hear people say, "God is all I need. Jesus you are more than enough. I don't need anything or anyone else." Yet three months later they are crying themselves to sleep because a sense of loneliness looms over them when the lights go out the and facade fades. If God is enough, why are you unsatisfied with your portion?

Around 90% of my friends/family are married of either engaged. Some family members are even on their second and third marriage. While I was happy for them, a little piece of my faith took a shot. I have no problem being honest. The truth was that I didn't understand how they were getting numerous marriage proposals yet I hadn't gotten one, nor at my age had I been able to secure a long term relationship. I wasn't envious, but I was disappointed because I felt as though I was doing something wrong. How long was I going to be the cheerleader instead of being the one cheered for? My friends were married, moving, having children and I was still trying to stay a float on my salary while covering the bills all by myself.

My friends and family tried to sympathize, but how could they? They were married in their early 20s, had someone to split the bills with, and no longer had to play the dating game that got harder each season. All the while, I was trying to keep my sanity and reminding myself that God's plan for me didn't involve the same order in which their life took. Never once did I want to walk in their shoes. But slowly yet surely I felt as though they couldn't relate to me and me to them. They felt it as well. A good friend of mine told meshortly after getting married, "I need to start getting different friends. I need married friends now. I'm out of the single stage and I need a new group of friends I can talk and relate to." Initially, I was taken back by the statement. We'd been friends for years and suddenly my friendship held no rank because I wasn't married? Comments to that caliber continued to pour out from her and slowly yet surely, I realized she was right. I couldn't relate to her nor know the problems she went through as a married woman, no more than she could relate to me as a single woman managing it all by herself. Are we still friends? Sure. Yet we're only able to see life through each other's eyes and realize that being single and married comes with both ups and downs.

So the ring on my finger symbolizes patience and God's timing. It symbolizes that God cherishes my heart and wants it willingly. I don't have to be so eager for marriage and a ring that I jump into the wrong relationship. If it is in the cards for me to get married, this ring will be placed on a necklace and worn everyday as a reminder. If I never get married, it'll stay on my finger as a reminder that I was still chosen and I chose Him too.

Reasons I Never Made It Past The Dating Only Stage....

It's not fair to blame the men for every thing that DIDN'T happen, such as a relationship. Some of it was me and sometimes we just weren't compatible. Here are a few of the reasons below:

The Guys Girl: Yes that is me. Men feel like I'm one of the guys when I'm around. Yes, it makes women roll their eyes and question whether or not I'm a harlot that's trying t seduce their mates. I'm not! I make it clear, I don't want someone else's man, I only want my own. I'm the woman  that can talk sports, politics, and have a laid back vibe. I'm not overly girly, as I tend to trade in a pair of stilettos for flip flops. At times it's hard for them to see me other than a friend.

Too Passive: While dating a guy, I never wanted to bring up a relationship too quick because I didn't want to scare him off. As a result it caused me to settle. Want the honest truth? I settled for a guy that kept juggling me and his ex girlfriend. When we met, they were going through a break up and I told him we couldn't go out anymore until he was officially done with her. Of course he came to my place and said that they were completely over. Only for him to say that he didn't want to jump directly into a new relationship. I saw some logic behind that, but it was his way of keeping us both. I didn't find out until I was done with him for good that 3 days after he came to my house and told me they were over, they got back together. Guess who became the woman on the side? Me! Now I've learned to ask for what I want and let me expectations be known.

Celibacy: In this day and age it is rare for an adult or even teenagers for that matter to be celibate. However, I decided to take that journey. It keeps you from having soul ties with the wrong person and let's be real, it saves you from going to the doctor getting those extra labs done as often. When I throw that out on the table, most men look wide eyed and look for the exit door. Some say they respect it, yet still try to see if I'll bend the rules for them. No, I won't I've learned from my past mistakes. You can't keep letting your flesh win.

Dating Pool: I'm not much of a social butterfly. I am cordial, however I don't go out much to be approached. Hey, I'm one of those people that believe when it's the right time, I'll be in the right place to be approached. Okay, here's the problem too. I have scenarios in my head of how I would like it to happen. I know I have to stop doing that. I casually joke, yet sincerely believe God will have to once again stop time, create a man from dirt, blow air into his body, and then present him to me. Because from the looks of the dating pool these days, in my area....ha! I may just be single for a long time.

The Least Expected

You're probably thinking that I've made quite a few bad dating choices within the past couple of years. Not all of them were bad, but none of them resulted in marriage nor a relationship. Why they never resulted in a relationship, I'll explain in the next blog. If I could have switched some situations around, I would have. Would the outcome have been any better? Of course no one knows for sure. Yet there was one that I wish I would have taken a chance on. He was one of which tried to warn me of the guy that turned my world upside down within the matter of four failing months.

We'll call the guy I didn't give a chance, Mr. X. He was polite, attractive, funny, and he loved God. He had a nice job and no children. The list goes. He was a good catch if you looked at him on paper. I had been approached by others concerning him a few times. He had expressed his interest in me to others. And honestly, I would have taken the bait had I not listened to people I didn't know. Often I heard from women I didn't know well, "He's a really nice guy. I just don't think he'll ever commit to a relationship because he never does." While I heard from males, "I'll vouch for him. He's a good guy. Give him a chance and judge it for yourself." Too many times I wanted to kick myself for not giving him a chance but instead giving Hell In Boots a shot. Many times I've looked at myself in mirror and wondered "What the heck were you thinking?!"

Needless to say, I didn't pick Mr. X. When we see each other, we pretend as if we don't know one another. Honestly, I don't know why we began to ignore one another's presence. We never had a falling out. We even knew each others family and friends. Maybe it could have stemmed from the fact that a few short months after he tried to pursue me, he actually met another woman and pursued a relationship with her. Greattttt all the women were wrong. He was capable of committing to the right woman! Again, I know that doesn't mean he would have committed to me had we dated. While they were happy, I was dealing with the guy he warned me about. And his advice is the one which I shouldn't have ignored.

In hallways, we pass each other with not even as much as eye contact. We never speak each other's name. And we go on as if we never met. In some ways, I guess it's better. I'm sure he knows how things ended with the other guy. When people ask if I regret any "encounters" since I can never rightfully call them relationships, the one that comes to mind is the one I didn't take during my adult years. Like I say, I wouldn't have known if it would have been any better, but every time I see him, I'm reminded of the chance I didn't take. No, we'll never get together in the future, that window for us has passed. I've learned to be much more cautious about my dating choices. I wasn't ready to date anyone at the time. Truthfully right now, I don't know if I am either.

Spiritual Maturity...When You Don't Receive An Answer From God.

We all think we possess it. In some areas we do and we can use a lot more of it in other areas in our lives. We constantly need to grow in various areas.

There have been times when I've asked God a question and I hadn't heard an answer back. I waited days, weeks, months, and even years, yet nothing. I became frustrated. Fasting, praying, reading, studying, and nothing gave me a clear answer as to why God was shifting things and not shifting others. It seemed that once I finally gained a little happiness, God was shifting things in a different direction that didn't include that people that I wanted with me most. God definitely was quick to give me a "no" as opposed to a "yes". Why?

It's all about spiritual maturity. Let me give you an example. I'm pretty sure you can relate. We all have that one friend that has come to us happy about a new relationship that she is in. She's head over heels for him and somehow even when you're talking about the last episode of Greys Anatomy or a clearance sale at DSW, she manages to tie in her new found love interest in the topic.

Example 1You: DSW has an amazing sale on sandals this week. I have a coupon for an extra 15% off if you want to use it.
Your Friend: Thanks! Tony (her new love interest) and I are supposed to go for a walk in the park this week for our date night.

Example 2
You: I can't believe Cristina left Meredith by herself! Now who's going to be "her person"?!
Your Friend: That's crazy. I think Tony is "my person" now. I call him whenever something good or bad happens. 

Right now she is smitten. Anything you say will revert back to her love interest because that's the only thing on her mind at this time. You're happy that she's happy, but you can see some red flags with the new guy that she overlooks because she's head over heels. For instance, he may always cancel at the last minute, he never confirms dates, they only go on dates when it's convenient for him, she's always reaching out to him and he hardly ever contacts her first, and the list goes on. However, if you were to mention it to her, she'd think you were raining on her parade. Unfortunately, she'd think that you were jealous of her new found relationship which is far from the truth. She's in a sensitive place. She's not in a place to receive an answer that she doesn't want to hear. She's not ready to accept it.

Often times, the same applies when we are awaiting an answer from God. We may not be in a place to receive instruction maturely. Of course we want to think that we will not pout nor try to bargain with God. We might even think of ways to keep that person or thing in our lives and try to show God how it can still work. We're only fooling ourselves when we do that. We're basing our feelings on the short term emotions we have in the moment. God is looking ahead. He sees the whole picture while we're only handed several puzzle pieces.

Grow spiritually. Pray that you'll be ready to receive the answer and message that God has for you with maturity in His due time. Can God trust you with His answers of "no"?

Fairy Tale Plots

Every story seems to consist of the good versus the bad. From the beginning it is all established. We get the sweet serene music as we're told the story of the good side. The dark and gloomy music looms over as the villain is revealed. But what happens when the good and villain collide? Well I'll tell you...

Stranger

While locked away in a room with a complete stranger, she began to pour out her troubles and anxieties over the past 30 years to me. It wasn't something I had expected. As I had already known, people carry their concerns and struggles everyday yet put concealer over their problems to mask blemishes on the flawed areas. For over an hour, she poured out everything that was bothering her. I began to question, if given the chance to pour out everything we're going through to a complete stranger that you'll never see again, would you do it?

Having someone to listen is underrated. A good listener that is trustworthy is hard to find. At times you wonder should you have said anything in fear it'll be told to someone else as soon as they depart from you. Trusting very few since a young age, I began to write in a notebook. I'd write about my feelings, tear it out of the book and then burn or cause water damage to it. I didn't want the world to know my inner thoughts. I wasn't ready to be vulnerable.

It may sound weird, but these days, I pour my heart out in the shower when I'm praying. Though no one can see or hear my tears, I feel that it's my place of vulnerability as I pray. I'm sure I could stay there for hours. The beaming water drowns out the tears. When finished I'm left with the residue of puffy eyes, yet my problems have washed down the drain.

One of the places that people tend to share their life stories is the airport.  Shortly after the seat belt light goes off, people begin to engage in conversation. Often, I've heard people brag about their children's careers, family history, and begin to name every place they've been on vacation. I'm not sure if they are talkative or if they rarely have someone at home to listen to them. I will not lie, it irritates me after 30mins when they begin to talk loudly nonstop. I've learned to avoid eye contact in efforts for others not to speak to me. Yet, it never really works. That's my cue to pretend going to sleep.

Again, the question remains, would you tell a complete stranger you'd probably never see again your fears and dreams? For me, this is the closest it gets.

No Woman Was Good Enough For Him

There was something different about him. I thought that God was finally answering my prayers of finding a sufficient mate. We met in one the best places that I felt that two could meet.  Maybe,  just maybe it was my turn to fall in love for the first time.

Unlike others times, the getting to know someone stage wasn't as bad. He was forth telling of information.  But there was something that was still mysterious behind his eyes. Everyone saw him as the model citizen. I saw him as a impostor trying too hard to be perfect.  No one was perfect but he tried too hard to achieve that in the eyes of others. 

Still,  I was intrigued.  I wanted to figure out the mystery behind his crooked grin. His eyes were empty. Many times he was sure not to keep eye contact too long in efforts to conceal his secrets in case someone was able to see past the surface. 

His friends never thought that I was good enough for him. It was nothing that I did in particular,  however I was not approved to dwell within their inner circle.  As a result, he began to exclude me.I won't lie. It hurt. Here I was again hoping that my prayers for a mate were answered after years of praying,  to only be rejected by the friends he considered family.  Constantly,  one of his associates was forced upon me. They'd do anything to keep the two of us apart. Out of my frustration of waiting for him, it worked.

Weeks later I saw him plastered with pictures of a new woman.  A woman that his friends handpicked and approved of. I felt rejected.  The woman had been head over heels for him for years.  She'd finally received her chance.  A chance that was short lived.  Before they could become a couple they disbanded.

It took months to get over him, but I did. Yet, the curiosity remained as to why I wasn't good enough for him. My curiosity got the best of me. I went searching for answers.  And the answers I did find. I would have never been good enough for him and for the matter...no woman at all. While I laughed an uncontrollable laugh, it was clear as to why things never worked. 

I'm glad for revelation.  The door can be forever shut with vault locks never to reopen again.  I could only believe he lived a lie to those that weren't in his inner circle. He did not want to generalized or his popular status compromised. But at the expense and feelings of others? I can only hope that one day he'll be honest with himself and not drag another woman along the same deceitful trail. Who knew that being a woman could be too much.

Eve's Fairy Tale - A Time Or Two

Once upon a time I could have fallen in love a time or two. Everything was working out in my favor. It always began the right way. I was alone, locked away in an attic. I watched from the window as those that knew me began to partake in what I wanted a piece of. Yet, it wasn't my time. Through situations and obstacles in life, I found an upside. The little things were enjoyable. Fresh rain quenched my thirst on warm summer days. Grass with lilies were my mattress as I laid and listened to the lullabies sang to me from the birds. The stars were my night light that watched over me. I tried to count to each one but somehow managed to fall asleep before counting at least 82.

I'd Do It All Again

While on the phone, a friend of mine asked me a question that for once didn’t involve intense thinking. We were roommates in college. Her question to me was, “If you could go back and do college all over again, would you go back and do things differently?” Without hesitation, I responded, “No, I had fun in college. I did everything that I wanted to do and graduated on time. I have no regrets about college.” Admittedly, she stated that she would have gone out more and enjoyed her college experience.

I believe that it’s important for us to live it up while we have the chance to do so. One of the things I don’t ever want to do is look back on my life and regret the opportunities that I didn’t take. Now, I’m not saying I agree with being crazy and performing criminal acts or doing something that would compromise your spirituality. What I’m saying is, stop operating in fear. It’s okay to do something for yourself. It’s okay to call off work and enjoy the comfort of your own home. Mental health days can constitute as sick days. Just maybe it’s time to book that trip and set sail. What’s holding you back from taking that job opportunity in another state?

Often times we worry how things will look to other people. We don’t want to disappoint our family and loved ones. Our goals and dreams may be different from those in our closest circle. Our dreams at times may seem far-fetched. Not everyone will understand your longing to do something different. No, you’re not having a quarter life or midlife crisis. You just desire more and there is nothing wrong with that.

When I was younger, I always wanted to go to New York. I repeatedly asked my mother if we could take a trip there. She’s always say, “When we save enough money, we could go.” I knew that was a nice way of her saying, “No.” She didn’t have a desire to there. And I couldn’t force it upon her either. After years of hearing we’d go once we saved enough, I decided that I was going to go whether it was with someone or alone. The summer I received my first fulltime job, I booked a flight to New York and told my mother, “I’m going to New York in August! I booked my flight and hotel!” Nonetheless, she was shocked. She knew that I always wanted to go, it was the fact that I did it without making an excuse as to why I couldn’t. The reason I mention NYC often because it was the first time in my life I made a decision to do something I wanted on my own no matter what others thought about it.It was a turning point for me. 

I once sought out to write a book. I’d attempted to write one ever since I was in high school but never managed to get past chapter 2. As I got older, I realized it wasn’t just a phase, it was something that I wanted to pursue. Writing wasn’t a job, nor just a hobby. Writing is what made me feel alive. I told people that I was going to write a book and they gave me the, “Oh that’s great to hear!” phrase. I’m sure they’d heard people say it numerous times, but I knew that this time I would complete it. I’d already prayed about it. After three long years, I added the last word to the book and watched the pages print from my office desk printer at home. People were shocked that I’d actually finished. In some ways, so was I, but I’d committed to so many things and people and never committed to anything that was for 100% myself.

Now, I don’t have those regrets lingering over me. I don’t have to wonder “what if”. This time I know “what is”. It’s scary stepping out of the norm. Not everyone will agree with it nor will it benefit them. But how long are you willing to shell what may be a path to your God given purpose? Be honest with yourself. Are you living the life you want to live or are you living the life that is acceptable by the standards of those around you? You deserve to live without regrets. 

Summertime Bliss

It’s becoming harder to find something to write about these days. My mind draws a complete blank. I’ve shared everything that I’ve felt and have been feeling for the past couple of months. I’ve let you in on bits and pieces of my past, present, and I guess, I’ll share with you my hopes for the near future.

Most times, I don’t like to talk about my expectations for the future. Quite frankly, it rarely ever happens and I end up disappointed. I learned this at a fairly young age. The less expectations, fewer the disappointments. Confession, it’s the reason why I’ve steered clear of a couple of relationships in my past. I rather not have something than to risk losing it or knowing that I will lose it soon. It’s my “glass half empty” philosophy.

My Hopes for the Future
Eventually, I want to move out of my small town and into another area that is better and has more opportunity for me to grow career wise. I want to be able to realize what my God given purpose is and pursue it. I’d like to get married in a small courthouse ceremony in late spring. I thought I’d be married by the age of 27. Well we all know how that played out. I’ve definitely missed that mark and I’m still single. I’d like to be financially stable with quite a bit of cushion (a healthy savings account). A townhouse or three bedroom condo would be nice. I’m not a big fan of huge houses especially since I don’t want to fill it up. Though I am a woman, I do not have the desire to have children. It’s not uncommon. And no it’s not something that I’ll “probably change my mind about later.” A lot of people say that as though my desire to not have children is unethical or taboo. No it’s not selfish either. I rarely hear people say the reverse when a woman says she wants children. You rarely hear, “you’ll probably change your mind later.” I’m making a responsible choice. I tip my hat to those that are and want to be mothers. It’s a lifetime commitment and job. Kudos! I want excellent health and to be able to write a series of New York Times Bestsellers. I want to feel true joy and true bliss. Personally, I feel that at times we don’t know that we’re experiencing it. We realize we have experienced it well after the moment is over. While those are just some of my long term hopes, I’ll share with you some of my short term hopes for summer of 2014.

My hopes for Summer 2014
Outside of the obvious of good well-being for myself and my family/friends, I’d like to go on a vacation. A vacation that last for at least two days and is outside of a 60 mile radius from where I currently live. I want to let my toes meet the sand of the beach as well. In addition, I want to lose at least 10lbs by the end of the summer. If I could lose more, that would be great. I want to have a day where I do absolutely nothing but lay in bed all day (not because I’m sick) and catch up on every tv sitcom that I would find remotely interesting. I want to buy a potted orchid and watch it grow and develop. When the sun is going down on a perfect summer day, I want to turn on my iPod and dance blissfully in the grass barefoot as I watch the sunset. If it’s God’s will, I want to go to New York City again with expectations from God and not man. This summer I would love to drive into the city and walk the streets with no time limits, but enjoy every minute of it. And while I’m one that doesn’t like to be surprised, I want God to surprise me with something bigger than I could have ever imagined for myself this summer that will make me happier than any day I have yet to experience thus far.

Does it sound like a lot? I’m sure a few things could be accomplished while other things are out of my control. I’ve had quite a few rough seasons. I’m ready for the season of total joy. I’m ready to have a smile on my face not because I’m thinking and keeping positive of what is yet to come, but I’m smiling because there is no more waiting and I’m living in some of the moments that I prayed for most. This summer I want to experience several moments of complete bliss and while I'm in the moment, I'll know I'm experiencing just that. 

~Eve 

Modest??

As usual, I stopped by the nail shop yesterday to get a pedicure. It does seem as though I spend a lot of time there. Hey, the weather is warm and no one wants to see my missing and chipping toe polish, not even me. While waiting for my toes to dry at the drying station, a woman sitting towards me said, "You're the first woman I've seen that pins her low dipped shirts. Most women let it hang all out. You know, I really respect you for doing that." Instantly, her friend that sat beside her looked at my non-visible cleavage and nodded her head. I smiled and said thank you. It led me to wonder if dressing modest is foreign?

Admittedly, I've been told more than a few times that I dress fairly conservative for my age. I'm still not sure exactly what that means. My Spring/Summer wardrobe consist of: blouses, tank tops, long maxi dresses, knitted sweaters, skinny jeans, etc. Sound typical? I thought so too. Ever heard the phrase, "If you got it, flaunt it"? Yeah, that's not me. I do prefer being fully clothed.



No my jeans do not appear to be painted on, I do like the luxury of being able to breathe when I sit down. My dresses reach the calves of my legs because that extra cellulite on my thighs dare me to wear a dress or skirt above the knee. My tanks and shirts get pinned if I think they are too long for my own comfort, for that reason alone, MY OWN COMFORT.

I'm going to be completely uncensored right now. I ask myself what kind of woman would I be to wear something with the intent to make a man stumble with lust intentionally. Not on my watch! Do I want to look nice? Most days when I'm not at work. Do I want to be considered attractive or be desirable? Of course, I'd be a liar if I said I didn't.  But the question is, "At what expense?" I don't judge anyone and the way in which they choose to dress themselves. Some like to "let it all hang out" and I rather cover it all up.

Over the years I've been asked by both men and women, why I dress the way I do. Because it is comfortable. I'm confident when I walk out the house to engage in the journey set before me. I don't get dressed for anyone but myself. When rummaging through my closet for the outfit of the day, I do not think, "I wonder if this will attract a man and make him look." However, I do think, "How can I layer this just in case I get cold or hot?"

I am careful with the message that I send. I am not a small woman. I am a curvy woman. A woman that is a size 4 and myself a size 10 can wear the same exact thing and it will look great on her, but when I wear it, it'll look provocative. Prime example, pencil skirts! All of my weight is in the lower half of my body. I'm built of nothing but hips and thighs. Thank you to all of my aunts from both sides of the family (insert an eye roll). It's hard for me to wear a pencil  skirt. It'll look provocative from the front and if I turn to the side...yup. So I'm conscious of what I wear. There's no shame in that.

You can look cute, well dressed, and be fully covered. Yes, it can all coexist. Label it all you like. Me? I'm not changing my "modest" apparel. It's just an extension of me.

~Eve

Wasn't So Boring After All

"And I realized....it wasn't so boring after all." - Me

I have no problem admitting that it took some readjusting for me to be used to not having a date on the weekends. Last year this time, I knew that my weekend would involve a date, church, another date, and recovering for my dates to do it all over again the upcoming week. Last year I went out with two men AT DIFFERENT TIMES. Hey, that's a record for me. As you may recall I was on a bit of a hiatus for dating for 3 years. And no it was not really something I tried to do, it just happened.

The last date that I went on was in October of 2013. Okay, maybe you have been on a date recently, or maybe you're stuck in the same dry season of dates that I was in just 3 years ago. Around March it started getting to me. I missed dinner dates. No longer was I taking small dates to the local department store. Yes, I like to take dates in unconventional places. You learn a lot about a person based on their style and the items that they buy.

Now my night consisted of a Redbox movies, church, and occasionally treating myself to a no chip manicure when pay week permitted. It became boring. I won't act as though the first half of my dating season last year didn't come with a lot of unnecessary drama. If you only knew the story about the first guy I dated, you'd wondered why I continued dating at all during the rest of the year. The second guy caught me by surprise (Be sure to read previous post for deets).

Back to the point, I became bored. Everything went right back to being predictable, but I have to be honest, I needed this time to learn who the new me was. Might I add, I really like her. She's pleasant. A lot more patient. She's motivated. She's ready to go to the next level in her life.

Before I couldn't see why I was removed again from everything and everyone. I needed this time. As you may recall from two post below, I received a random call. It reminded me that I didn't miss my past. I was free and I love every single minute of being free.

Okay, okay. Yes, at times I do wish I had a date, but I don't want to entertain a random man for the sake of receiving a free meal. I can't be bought. I have to be earned. "Earn me!" (In my Olivia Pope voice) That's one of my favorite lines from the sitcom Scandal.

I recently spoke with a friend about this quiet season in my life that I once labeled boring. Yesterday, I told her this season wasn't all that boring, this season "Wasn't so boring after all."

~Eve

Gifted

Happy Friday!  Hopefully the weekend brings you laughter and joy. We can never get too much of it. For those who work Monday-Friday, it’s time to let your hair down, loosen your tie, wiggle your toes, and take a deep breath! It makes me smile just typing it.

Today, I had a hard time thinking of a topic to write about. Clearly, things can get repetitive if not approached at different angles. Pardon me if the posting is brief. The topic of discussion today is (drum roll please) GIFTS!! Okay, you probably guessed that from the title. Many like to receive gifts. However, many also fail to realize the gifts they possess themselves.

You may have the gift of laughter that you share with those around you. When someone needs a smile or maybe you’re the life of the party. You know when to be serious and you know how to slide in a joke when you feel tension brewing. You are an amazing person. You’re the person in your circle of friends that probably is in every picture or in every story when it’s retold. Keep sharing your gift.

Could you be the person that is an amazing listener? When everyone has a problem or needs to clear their head, they come to you. Most of the time you’re probably few on words or shall I say you choose them carefully and that’s why your friends value your friendship and advice. You are so appreciated. You’re probably the reason why your friend put down the phone instead of making that reckless call or bit their tongue before responding to a snide comment.

This for the friends that pour into others and encourage them to follow their dreams no matter what the world tells us.  You push us even when the rest of the world and even our families laugh at our dreams. You’re the cheerleader in the front row (the only row) and you may even be our only audience. But when you’re there, it feels like a concert. Friends like you are hard to come by. We can only hope we’re there for you in the ways that matter to you when they mean the most.

I salute the friends that possess all three of these gifts and more. I can only hope that you receive the same love back that you pour into others. You are amazing. Without you, life would not be the same. You couldn’t be any closer to us than our blood family. Thank you for the laughs, the cries, the stories that we tell over and over again as if it is the first time. Thanks for doing this thing called life with us. Thank you for sharing your gifts with us all. 

~Eve

Change Your Mind...

Pacing the floor back and forth, while holding the phone in your hand. Taking the deepest yet slowest breath you've taken all day. You check the time. Only three minutes have passed, but to you it seems like an hour. You've talked yourself into it and then out of it at least six times within the last thirty minutes. All you have to do is call. What's the worse that can happen? You won't get an answer. The person's feelings aren't mutual. In your head you see how things could work between the two of you, but.. you just call anyway...

A Love Story

It goes a little something like this...

Socially Awkward...

The world is obsessed with what’s outside of its peripheral vision. This causes most who have a smart phone to ignore the atmosphere in which they dwell. Now the world is fixated on what everyone else is doing, volunteering hourly whereabouts, and strangers now know our personal thoughts. What happened to the days of a little privacy?

It’s pretty scary if you think about it. I too was once on social networks before I deleted everything. Facebook was an easy way for me to stay in contact with old classmates. Twitter was my means of sending out inspirational messages. My short lived account on Instagram was simply to appease my close friends that wanted to include me on vacation trips. No, I never had all three at the same time. Facebook was the first to go, then Twitter, and then Instagram. The same order in which they were introduced was the same order they were deleted. But one day something changed.

The 9 to 5

To say the least, my job is humbling. On days I feel like complaining, I have files to remind me that things aren’t as bad as they could be. In all truthfulness, I would have never imagined me working with people in this setting. And if I’m being 110% honest, I don’t ever recall applying for the job. I prayed for increase and a better paying job than what I had at the time and then I received a call for this one.

My interview was horrible! There is no shame in admitting that. My interview was conducted on a Wednesday after my part time gig and I fumbled all of the questions. Truth be told I’m not a good interviewer because I’m not comfortable talking to complete strangers about myself. A man would have to encounter seeing me at least twice and having a brief conversation before he asked for my number in order for me to consider it. Hence the reason I may still be single, but I digress. Back to the story, my interview was horrible. Shortly after my car found its way to a Taco Bell. It was my guilty pity meal. I was embarrassed that I even told close friends and family that I went on an interview because I was sure I wouldn’t get it. A week later, I received a call asking if I could quit my job immediately and come work for them. God is crazy faithful.

While I am grateful for the job that is a resource for me to do a lot of things, I have to learn how to not let it stress me. In no way, shape, or form have I conquered this. But I know I need to change and QUICKLY! How do I know? My body is telling me that it is time to change. I’ve began some pretty bad habits. My eating habits are horrible. Every now and then I’ll stop to get breakfast (bagel and OJ). Most days I won’t. I’ll grab something for lunch (fast food) twice a week and then I go home. Usually, I’ll fix something quick or opt for a chicken wrap AGAIN, another item that is fast food. The fast food was fast to attach to my hips and my buttock. This extra weight HAS TO GO AWAY. On top of that, my sleeping schedule is out of control. If I’m lucky, on any given day, I’ll potentially sleep for four hours and that’s typically not a consecutive four hours. When I get up, I’m sluggish which sends me grabbing for a nice cold carbonated soft drink. Yes, first thing in the morning at work I drink one because I despise even the smell of coffee. Might I add, I know the sugar in the carbonated drink added to the pounds.

But my life has become work. My down time is spent catching up on work emails and going to church. Don’t get me wrong, anyone that knows me knows that I love going to church, but I need to have a hobby. Last year, I created opportunities for me to enjoy life and have fun. And slowly yet surely it came to a halt. In various ways I needed to stop because I wasn’t balancing things correctly. I had too much fun and didn’t balance it well with work and church. I’m able to admit that.

I went to a meeting last year and I was surprised at what the speaker and former employee said. He simply stated to take all of your vacation and sick time. Too often we believe a place can’t function without us. And if you feel like you can’t leave for a few days, it means that you aren’t doing something right and you’re leaving loopholes. You are no good to your place of employment if you can’t give them your best. He was right. Today, I reminded myself of that and I submitted a few vacation days for myself. It was just two days, but its two days for me to clear my head and enjoy myself.

Your job is a resource not your source. You don’t have to take your coworkers home with you. It’s easier said than done, but give yourself a few minutes before you exit the car before walking into your home. Let your home be a place of peace. Your life, your health depends on it. 

Save Your 10

Recently I watched a movie that had quite a few "Aha" moments in it. It provoked a lot emotion. Happiness, sadness, confusion, and the list goes on. Despite all of the lessons bottled into 2 hours and 6 minutes of the movie, I took away the quote "Save your 10".

Friends...

Family, friends, associates, I have them all. My closest friends become like family. I would do just about anything for them. Anyone that knows me, finds out fairly quickly that I keep my inner circle very small. It's important. You can't let everyone have access to you. In turn, I take my friendships very seriously. I am aware that I can't be everything to everyone. 

My two best friends know me well. They know that I'm a private person and and 97.9% of the time, I will not share my experience with them until it's over. That includes pain, relationships, announcements, etc. It's something that I've always kept to myself. With that said, they respect it. They love me despite my many flaws and I love them the same. 

My friends love me even when I can not be a friend to them for a portion of time. As stated previously, I will do just about anything for my friends. They rarely have to ask for anything, but when they do, I'm only a phone call or plane trip away. Despite the invisible "S" I stamped on my chest, I realize that I am not invincible. The main person that I neglect at times is myself. I forget to pamper myself, take myself out for quality time, and take time to decipher through my own thoughts. I need to listen to my inner voice. At times, the friend you are to others, you have to be to yourself. 

When you offer something, you want to offer your best. At least I know that's how I feel. Nonetheless over the years I had to disband a few relationships. It was draining. I would constantly give, yet they never gave anything back. When I looked at the glass, it was half empty and not half full. They were willing to continue sipping from the glass until there was nothing left had I allowed it. Friendships are give and take.  

30,000 Feet

The thought of flying makes my stomach churn. Maybe it has something to do with being that high up in the air and not having any control. Or it could be that I'm locked in a tube for an allotted amount of time with germs circling with no way to release it. A trick I learned early was to always wear a decorative scarf around my neck so that I could politely wrap it around my mouth and nose if someone decided to leave their manners and baggage claimed and continued to cough with their mouth open and not cover it. And yes, I closed my eyes too for all those wondering.

I love to travel though. There's something about venturing off to a new place and getting lost in the adventure. I have yet to make it outside of the country, but I don't doubt that one day I will. My favorite adventure was to New York City. I've grown up near a big city my entire life, but there's nothing like being in New York. Movies can't capture the essence of it all.

When I stepped out of the cab for the first time, I was overwhelmed. The cabs, people on the the streets, the sound of chaos, it all overwhelmed me. Nothing could prepare me for it. Within 18 hours, I memorized a few routes on the subway. Time Square turned into magic at night and Sunday mornings were reserved for the runners and cyclist. Two days wasn't nearly enough to conquer even one side of the city, but just like a good book, it kept me craving for more.

Thus far, the most peaceful place I've been to is Alabama. I never thought I'd say it but somewhere between Tennessee and Alabama, I felt complete serenity taking in the scenery. It was new, in other ways peaceful. Usually, I'm one that longs to have her feet buried in the sand while watching the waves of the water, but seeing the hills and clay are a very close second.

I've only been to 13 states in my lifetime. While for some that may be quite a few, my personal goal is to have stepped foot in them all. I want my luggage to have a story to tell. I want my shoes to be well rounded. I want my lungs to breathe the air quality of different places. There's nothing like traveling. It reminds me that the world is bigger than just my 8x10 cubicle at work. The world is my front yard. I have to create the time to enjoy it.

There's a whole world out there waiting for you to experience it.

Running from Rejection

I never liked rejection. I don’t believe that anyone does. When I thought of rejection, I always thought of the rejection we received from our peers. For a season last year, I felt like I was being rejected by God. I didn’t know how to deal with the disappointment. I felt that every answer to every desire or question was “no”. Needless to say, it hurt. I didn’t want to hear it anymore, so what did I do? I stopped asking questions. I limited my conversations with God because I didn’t want him to reject something else that I was doing.

For a while, it didn’t seem as if things were going too bad. I had a number of distractions that kept me entertained. I began to read a little less scripture, pray a little less, and spend less time with God period. I prayed in the morning and at night. I still attended church but I didn’t feel the connection there anymore. That was abnormal for me. However, I decided to ignore it and continue on with my non-rejected actions. I vowed to myself that I would become the old me. I wouldn’t care about others feelings and I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, and I wouldn’t feel bad about it because I was freely doing what I wanted to do.

Singled Out...

When I first started this blog, I knew that I was going to tell this experience. Admittedly, I thought that this would be my next to last post. Why? In so many ways, the story and the experience is still fresh. If you are single, or remember back to when you were, maybe you can relate. If it doesn't apply to you, it might help you better understand one of your close friends.

There was no doubt, I was tired of being single. It wasn't because I wanted someone to take care of me financially or that I wanted an extra pair of legs in my bed. It was something I began to long for in my early 20s. Seeing others in relationships and marriages in my youth scarred me temporarily from ever wanting to get married. I saw one too many marriages that didn't last. Determined that I wouldn't end up the same way, I pushed marriage to the back of my mind. However, shortly before leaving college, the thought leached back onto my heart and revived itself.

Unashamed to say, I haven't had many committed relationships. Either the men I was interested in didn't reciprocate the same "romantic" feelings or I was in a hidden deserted season (years) where I was focused on work and moving up the ladder in my career. But then one day I met Henry...

When It Doesn’t Happen…

It’s easy to feel encouraged when you hear what you’ve longed for is just around the corner. No one wants to hear the disappointing words of “It will not happen”. At times we’re hindering ourselves by holding on to something we may have been instructed to let go of a while ago. What happens when you receive the answer, “That person will not be your spouse”? Maybe you’ll hear, “The house you want will be sold to someone else. You will not receive the promotion from this company.”

God wants you to have a full life. He wants you to reach your full potential. However, you have to remember at some point you gave your life to Christ. Your life is no longer your own. You are walking in God’s will for your life and not your own will for your life. Yes, God wants to give you the desires of your heart, but they have to line up with His will as well. It’s important to remember that the priority list you have for your life, is not in the same order as God has for your life.

There comes a time when we have to stop throwing adult tantrums. Please do not count yourself out. We’ve all done it. “But whyyyyy God? I’ve been praying, fasting, and living life the best I know how. There are people that are getting everything they ask for and they rarely go to church and the most that they pray is if something goes wrong. I don’t understand.” Does any of this sound familiar? God is not a genie nor Santa Claus. You can’t rub your hand across the Bible as if it were a shiny lamp and expect him to grant you three wishes. Nor is God Santa Claus where he bounces you on His knee and you give Him a list of the things you want and you give Him a deadline date as to when it should be sitting under your tree. God does not operate that way.

Indulging In My Happy...

Words! No thought about it. I don't need to ponder it. Words make me happy. At the age of nine, I knew I wanted to be a writer. It started with a poem I entitled, "Roses". I couldn't recite it for you now or even remember half of it, but I do remember making a binder full of poems that I wrote at the bottom of my notebook in class. 

One of the gifts that I cherished most was given to me while I was in college. One of my male co-workers heard that I never had a Valentine and what I cherished most was when someone wrote a lengthy message in a card instead of just signing it. I wasn't the only one to say what I liked most, but he took notice even though I wasn't aware that he did. Needless to say, when Valentine's Day came around, there was a card awaiting me at my work area and it was the sweetest card I've ever received. It was the fact that he actually took the effort to find out what I wanted and the words were beautiful. I stumbled upon the card a few weeks ago and I didn't recall keeping it. But just like that day a number or years ago, I smiled once more.



The lyrics to a song, words of a scripture, the words "I'm sorry", and the phrase we hold our breath to hear "I love you". I find happiness in creating a stream of words that will last with someone forever. It's the little things. It's the colors in the sky when the sun sets or how the waters on the beach creep upon the sand. Those moments give me a piece of happiness. That's happiness I can't create. At times, there aren't words to describe its beauty nor capture the essence.

Where do you find your happiness? It's good for your health. Life is too short not to be happy. Pour into others which you wish others would have poured into you. Being happy is an option. You make the choice. You can find happiness in the little things. If you can't be happy with the blessings you have now, how do you expect to be happy with obtaining more? Indulge in your happy.

Accidentally Single...

If you asked me 10 years ago, where I thought I'd be by now, I would have said, "Owning my own business, living downtown in a popular city, married or engaged, financially stable, and happy." To save myself from drying my tears with a Krispy Creme doughnut, I'll just focus on being single and not everything else I failed to accomplish just yet. Don't worry, I'm writing this is a joking manner. 

I didn't plan on being single. Somehow...someway, I became good at it. I mean really good at being single. I was so good at being single that people used to refer to me as "my one friend that's always single". There's nothing wrong with being single. I've learned a lot from my singleness, but I'll leave that for the end.

Over the years, I've been out on dates. Those dates would undoubtedly make for an amazing book if I compiled them. I've experienced a guy running through a heavily populated parking lot pretending to be an airplane while yelling, another guy that didn't talk for hours (literally) because he was nervous, and the infamous one that conveniently left his wallet at home once he had ordered the most expensive things on the menu and devoured them as though he entered himself into a pie eating contest. In case you're wondering, yes, this was all during my adult years.



I've had my long term crushes/interest that ranged from months to years. Unfortunately, yet fortunately, none of them blossomed into a relationship. In my spare time I read over a dozen relationship advice books, only to never be able to put the knowledge to use. Instead of being able to show him I that could Act Like A Lady, But Think Like A Man he gave me every sign that He's Just Not That Into You. At the end of the day, I was the common denominator.

If you didn't know, when you're still single after a certain age, you start getting THE QUESTIONS. If you are married and are reading this, please refrain from asking these questions to your single friends or family members. We literally despise them.

The Questions: