There was no doubt, I was tired of being single. It wasn't because I wanted someone to take care of me financially or that I wanted an extra pair of legs in my bed. It was something I began to long for in my early 20s. Seeing others in relationships and marriages in my youth scarred me temporarily from ever wanting to get married. I saw one too many marriages that didn't last. Determined that I wouldn't end up the same way, I pushed marriage to the back of my mind. However, shortly before leaving college, the thought leached back onto my heart and revived itself.
Unashamed to say, I haven't had many committed relationships. Either the men I was interested in didn't reciprocate the same "romantic" feelings or I was in a hidden deserted season (years) where I was focused on work and moving up the ladder in my career. But then one day I met Henry...
I met Henry at a church function. I had walked past him a hundred times, yet we never exchanged words. However, this particular day, we were working together on a project. After small talk, we realized that we had a lot of things in common. Over the weeks, I could tell that he was interested, yet at the time I was engaging in a horrible ordeal with a man I had no business talking to. Sidenote: Be aware of the hell in someone's "hello". I knew this other guy was bad news from the start, but the attention I hadn't received in over 3 years kept me entertaining his conversation. A few short, yet long months later, God yanked me from his grasp and revealed how I was doing myself a injustice by staying with the wrong guy. I was delaying my own blessing.
But, back to Henry... He never gave up on me. One day he finally got the courage to ask me out on a date. Much to his surprise, I accepted. I'm not saying this in conceit, he confessed this over dinner on our first date that he was nervous and never thought I'd say "yes". Our first date lasted 8 hours! Yes, you read that correctly. Before I knew it, I was seeing him at least 5 days a week. That's a lot. We'd have dinner together, church, run errands together, etc. It was progressing quickly and I was thanking God for someone that I could have a true friendship with first. He was always a gentleman and showed me respect.
After a few weeks, I started thinking whether a full relationship could bloom with Henry. I hadn't been in a relationship in almost 10 years. God had taught me about being silent and listening. A lot of times, that's what I did when I was with Henry. He often talked about marriage, but made mention that he was too busy for a relationship. He never specifically said that he was too busy for me, as we saw each other almost everyday, but he made the general statement and I never forgot it. One day Henry and I were at dinner and I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "This is the last date." I couldn't ignore what I heard. I finished the date like normal and I went home. Oddly, I wasn't upset.
I didn't call Henry anymore. He wondered what happened and if something had gone wrong and it hadn't. As much as I didn't want to, I had to let go. This wasn't the first time I was instructed by the Holy Spirit to let go of a guy that seemed to be the entire package and legitimately wanted to court me. Anyone who knows me can recant the many times I've said, "I don't want what is for someone else. I want my own blessing. I want my own husband and to walk in my own purpose."
Clearly, I did what I was instructed to do. Months passed and a message at church hit me at the core. I did what I was instructed to do, however, did I do it the wrong way? Henry never received an explanation as to why I walked away. As I woman, we've questioned countless times why a man pulled the Houdini act of vanishing to never return. And here I was, doing exactly what hurt me so many times. I was at fault for doing the right thing, the wrong way.
Needless to say, I apologized to Henry shortly after that message from church. He probably didn't care about it, but I gave the apology I longed for that I never received from countless people. He was shocked, but he accepted it. Days after, I wondered if maybe God would honor this relationship. Maybe just this once, I could be happy and have a story to tell over dinner with all my married girl friends. I wouldn't have to be singled out because I was still single. From God, I needed answers. That's when I began to fast. One day while walking to the altar for prayer, my answer came. A small still voice said, "Let it go". Now, I won't pretend I wasn't disappointed. All I could think about was another season of waiting and shortly I began questioning whether or not I was called to be single for the rest of my days on earth. I wanted an explanation as to why I had to let go of even the "good" men. Year after year I'd watch as they would go on to marry another woman as I received their wedding invitations in the mail.
In the journal I keep, I wrote a letter to Henry that he would never see. At the very end of the letter I stated, "...I release you and let you go." Once closing the cover to the words that reflected my heart, an explanation was placed in my heart. With Henry, he was unsure. I didn't need nor want a man that was unsure about me nor didn't have the time to invest courting me properly. I didn't want to settle and with him I would have to take what he was willing to give when he was available. It was a test to see if I would settle for a fraction of a man's time even though he possessed some of the things I liked, instead of waiting for the guy who saw value in pursuing me fully and as a potential wife.
Your standards aren't too high if you want to courted. God isn't the author of confusion so if you have to question where the friendship/relationship is going and whether the person is really invested, it may not be for you. God is not going to send you mixed signals. The same courage you use in order to love is the same courage you have to use sometimes in order to let go. You can't be a hoarder to your feelings and emotions forever. You've spent enough sleepless nights over analyzing only to wake up and there is no new outcome. Give those concerns to God. And no, you won't always get an answer right away. To be quite frank, God doesn't owe you an explanation. Just let Him lead you.
It feels wonderful to have someone to talk to and share your dreams with. No one forgets the feeling they have when their phone rings and are hoping it's the person they are smitten by on the other line. Who can forget taking that extra glimpse in the mirror to ensure everything is in place before meeting that special someone. Now that love song on the radio has special meaning to you because you can finally relate. It's a good feeling, but it'll be even better when it's with your spouse in due time. Don't worry, your future spouse thinks about you too. And you both are counting down the days until you meet. You both wonder how many dates and encounters you must endure before you two meet or discover your purpose together that is bigger than the to two of you.
I didn't come to this contentment overnight. As I said before, this situation is still fairly new. What God has in store for me I don't know. But my husband's future wife (me), is submitting to God. And when the day comes, I'll have no problem submitting to him without question.
~Eve
Thank you for being transparent.
ReplyDeleteI believe that it's definitely a part of growth to be transparent. We're all human, make mistakes, and get disappointed. At times, doing the right thing comes at the expense of your own feelings. Thank you for reading and supporting the blog.
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