I never liked rejection. I don’t believe that anyone does. When I thought of rejection, I always thought of the rejection we received from our peers. For a season last year, I felt like I was being rejected by God. I didn’t know how to deal with the disappointment. I felt that every answer to every desire or question was “no”. Needless to say, it hurt. I didn’t want to hear it anymore, so what did I do? I stopped asking questions. I limited my conversations with God because I didn’t want him to reject something else that I was doing.
For a while, it didn’t seem as if things were going too bad. I had a number of distractions that kept me entertained. I began to read a little less scripture, pray a little less, and spend less time with God period. I prayed in the morning and at night. I still attended church but I didn’t feel the connection there anymore. That was abnormal for me. However, I decided to ignore it and continue on with my non-rejected actions. I vowed to myself that I would become the old me. I wouldn’t care about others feelings and I would do what I wanted, when I wanted, and I wouldn’t feel bad about it because I was freely doing what I wanted to do.
Trying to become the old me didn’t work. The truth was that I wasn’t the same person that I used to be. I was now a woman that had learned from her mistakes. I cared about people’s feelings. I was a loving person. I wanted to be loved. I was quick to forgive. And my heart was crying out to serve and praise. I couldn’t fool myself into thinking anything else. When I looked in the mirror I still saw God there.
You know that feeling when something great happens and you want to run and tell someone special and that someone special isn’t there to listen anymore? That’s what happened to me. I wanted to run and tell God about this new person that I met. I wanted to tell him about all the good things that were happening and how little things around me were making me happy. But I felt like I was so far from God that I couldn’t talk to him (That was far from the truth). I couldn’t recall the last time that I had felt that way. I felt empty. There were no tears for me to cry and no words for me to say. I was lost. I didn’t know how to explain how I felt. As many adults say to children, “Use your words” but the truth was that I couldn’t find any. I remember going to the altar and hoping that God would meet me there. I felt a small tug but it wasn’t like before. I again walked away disappointed and feeling rejected. Did God not want to hear from me now?
Slowly yet surely, I began to feel insecure. I felt as though the things that I was doing weren’t good enough. There was something wrong with everything and everyone and I didn’t know why. I spoke to my friends and family less, yet still forced a smile through my hurt and confusion. I knew what was happening. I knew that I could never be happy and have peace with desires of my heart if God wasn’t a part of it. I closed my door to my bedroom and informally began to talk to God. I apologized for walking away, but told him why I did. I voiced everything that I’d been holding onto for 5 weeks. Before I knew it, the tears began to pour down my face and I was relieved. It felt as though a burden was lifted from my shoulders. I felt that connection with God and I knew that he was there listening to every word and capturing every tear that fell.
At that moment, my confusion, hurt, and rejection poured from my lips. I told him everything from the good times and the disappointments. I knew that he was there the entire time, but I wanted to tell him how it all made me feel. I missed that time that we had together.
I listened to God as he told me that he never rejected me. He knew the desires of my heart. He was guarding my heart. He honored the prayer that I prayed when I said that I couldn’t deal with another heartache as I had experienced before. He had dressed me in his armor so that none of the devices of the enemy would hurt me. He let me know that I couldn’t turn to my past and become the old me because “goodness” and “mercy” which follow me all of the days of my life had already interceded on the path and I couldn't go back.
God wasn’t rejecting me; I was rejecting the will which God had for my life. Many days I’d fall on my face and could never imagine turning away from God and not speaking to him. I couldn’t understand how once you experienced his love how some could just turn away. But I was praying for answers and didn’t receive them. I felt ignored not knowing that there is an answer in silence. Sometimes God wants you to do nothing at all but wait. Believe me you'll spend enough time battling obstacles. Learn to enjoy the peace and wait.
You are not rejected. You are not forgotten.
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